Chaos Ensues: Part I

Well it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. 2010 was a whirlwind year. It was filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. My son turned two in November and just before then, I realized I had resented him somewhat since he was born.

That's not something a mom likes to admit, especially to the entire world through a blog post. I got married at 22 and started a family at 24. I realized I went through a quarter-life crisis last year. There's so much pressure on people in our age group to be at a certain place in our lives at this age. I had to grow up so fast, and hold so much responsibility that I cracked under all the pressure. It damaged a few close friendships and countless other intangible consequences.

In times like this, I like to focus on what I gained and learned from my experiences. I learned more about life and myself in one summer, than I had in the last few years. I'll start from the beginning but this is going to take more than one post. I'll try to get the whole story up too...

It started about a year and a half ago. I suddenly had a renewed self-confidence that was bursting right out of me. At the time I had just graduated from college and landed my dream job.  I had a hard time in college. It was a lot of pressure to keep up with school, work, buying a house and being a wife - and that was before I was pregnant. I remember crying on my way home one day thinking, why can't I handle all of this? There are so many more people in this world who do it in worse circumstances than I am. Why can't I handle it as well as them? After graduation in June of 2009, I of course felt relieved. Relieved that I no longer had to be a wife, mother, full time student, and super star employee (among other things like sister, daughter, best friend, etc.). I could scratch one thing off the list of responsibilities.

My career was thriving. I was promoted to Senior Account Executive in late 2009. Though it seemed I had everything a girl could ask for, I had a feeling deep inside that I was missing something. An emptiness I couldn't understand.

The One Where I Just Let it All Out

I've been dealing with a lot lately and have pretty much alienated everyone in my life because of my self-dubbed "bag of shit." I feel I owe my awesome followers some explanation, too, as to why my posts have been so sparse the past few months. And well if you can't tell your blog, who can you tell? So, here goes...

This has all been going on for a while now. Pretty much since my son was born (about 20 months ago). I had been acting like a completely different person with a new "this is who I am and if you don't like it then eff off" attitude. Which is totally not me. I am, and always have been, a people-pleaser. Pressures of motherhood and being an adult mounted so high that I literally collapsed. The first signs that this was about to get ugly were the several weekends in a row that I went out with my friends, left hubby and baby at home, and stayed out till five in the morning. What 26 year old married mother needs to do that more than once in a blue moon?

My husband works hard. He leaves before six in the morning and doesn't get home until 8 at night. Meanwhile, I'm home taking care of the baby, finances, etc. It just got to be so much that I would literally go out and explode on the weekends. I'd escape for those hours before I had to get back to reality.

Then my epiphany came. I woke up one morning and figured it out. I knew I wasn't happy, but just couldn't figure out why. So I did what any woman does, blame the man. Yeah, there were some issues there that needed working out but I soon learned that placing the blame on other people wasn't going to stop my own tragic downfall.

Initially, I thought I was sick of doing what everyone else expected me to do. I have always been the girl that does things the right way and does everything other people think I should do. So, I stopped. I did what I wanted. I made bad choices. I was lying. Lying to everyone I love because I couldn't face the harsh realities and consequences of what I'd done. I knew I was being deceitful. I knew I was acting foolish. I just couldn't accept it enough to tell the people that I love. The people I don't want to disappoint. Well that just got me in deeper. I think I was subconsciously looking for an easy way out of all the responsibility I've created. Now I have this black hole of oblivion and I don't know how I'm going to get out.

First, I started with my family. I have a wonderful husband who has actually stuck through this whole "finding myself" thing. I can't throw that away. He's loving and understanding, and I don't think I could find someone better for me. During this whole ordeal I've been so worried about our families and friends hating me because of the nasty things I said to my husband that came out of anger and ugly emotions.

I feel like I lied to my friends because I just couldn't handle that yet. I couldn't handle everyone in my life despising me. Those lies made it worse. Instead of them being upset with my actions alone, my friends are upset with my lies, my deceit.

Who is this person? How did I become this? I'm a strong, independent, intelligent, motivated woman. How did I start making such terrible decisions? People kept asking me about postpartum depression. I honestly couldn't tell. I have had so much going on that I didn't think it could possibly be just chalked up to postpartum. My husband lost his job right after Josh was born, I finished college, changed jobs, typical financial woes, etc. Reflecting on the grand scheme of things, I really do think it's postpartum depression. There's just no other logical explanation. I've felt like I have this renewed self confidence since I had the baby and devoting many of those feelings to what I've accomplished in the past several years. My unhappiness was blamed on my stressors. The people you love the most are always going to be the ones who stress you the most. It's because you invest so many emotions in them and their happiness.

So, I've taken the first step. I'm seeking help. I have burned some very important bridges and just hope that one day, we can all move past this.I'm making the right decisions now. I'm sorry for my mistakes and I realize the consequences.

A Mish Mash Mad Mom

Some of you may remember this post, Too Many Hats, back from May. Obviously being a new mom and a twenty five year old recent college grad with a house and a family is tough. I've been going through my own personal stuff right now. The bad part about it is that it's been stuck in my head and I've been trying to figure it out without the support of my best friends, my rocks. My communication skills have been lacking over the past months. So bad that I've pretty much secluded myself by not feeling like talking on the phone, or even get out of the house.


I just feel trapped. I've been trying out how to not feel so trapped. I don't even know why I feel this way. Shutting myself in - no phone calls, no leaving the house - was the complete opposite way to deal with it. Little baby is growing up. He's not as "portable" as he used to be. I used to be able to toss him in the car and go. Let him sleep in the car seat. Not have to worry about him getting into much. That's not the case anymore. As he's gotten more mobile, I found myself becoming less mobile. I'm afraid to go anywhere when I get home from work because he needs to eat. He might be crabby the whole time. He might poop and I'd need to find somewhere to change him. I don't even go to the store because that means I'd have to bring him. I don't want to resent him, but I feel like I don't know how to balance all of this.

I need some bull shit in my life. Just good old fashioned bull shit. The kind of bull shit where I can sit around with my best friends and talk about what happened on Grey's. The kind of bull shit where I can take off the mommy hat for 30 minutes and just be myself. It's overwhelming to feel responsible for someone every single moment of every single day. I guess I've just been having trouble balancing the damanding feeling of motherhood with myself. The person who makes me, me. I feel like I've totally changed and might have had an identity chrisis.
And my blog! Ugh! I feel sooo guilty for not posting every other day like I had been! I just feel so lazy and have such a hard time getting my ideas out of my head. I hate it! I love blogging and I love my readers! I want you to stick around! Please don't let my lack of communication skills impede our bloggy love! ;)

I'm just learning that, as a mother, I will never have alone time ever again. Or at least not for another 18 years... My only alone time is in the car. When I'm driving to and from the sitter's. After that I have to entertain Josh for two hours before the hubby gets home. Then I have to entertain him.

I think I've finally figured it out. I've always been a person who things about the future and not about the now. Even when it comes to my future 45 minutes from now. I'm so busy thinking about everything else I have to do that I can't chill out for five minutes and call my best friend to tell her about the really embarrassing zit I have on my nose. I can't enjoy my son when I get home from work because I'm thinking about all the other work I have to do.

That's no way to live. I'm living in the now--- for the important "now" stuff. Save the future living for the actual future and not 45 minutes into the future.

Has anyone ever felt this way? Mother or not... I think we all deal with "growing up" in different ways. It took me to produce another life for me to actually "grow up." haha. There could be a punch line in there, but I won't embarrass myself.

What do you think? Are you going through this too?

Bumper Cars

This week has been a very rainy week. It's rained all day for at least five days in a row. Luckily, the rain stopped so we could enjoy our weekend. I picked Joshua up at the sitter's house on Friday night. It was raining pretty heavy. Visibility was low and there was a good amount of water on the roads. We got into the car and started our trip home.

Nearing the highway, traffic started to slow. There were lots of people trying to get home and out of the rain. I was going down a slight hill and suddenly two cars in front of me stopped. This of course caused a chain reaction. I was about two houses away from the car immediately in front of me. I stepped on the break only to have them totally lock up. I slid... and slid... and slid. Realizing I only had about 10 more feet before I hit the car, I started looking for options- maybe I could swing into a driveway really quick - maybe I could find an opening on the other side of the road and avoid a collision. No chance, I was moving closer and closer. I laid on the horn when there were about eight feet between my car and her bumper.

SMASH! I watched my hood wrinkle up before my eyes. Both Josh and I were fine but it scared him of course. This is just what I need... Hands shaking, I rummaged through my glove compartment to frantically pull out my insurance cards.

I saw the woman get out of her car and take a look at her bumper. Scratches, only scratches. Ok, this won't be so bad... think again. After making sure everyone was ok, I turned to take a look at the damage. Since I had seen the hood of my car rise up in folds before my eyes, I knew it wouldn't be pretty. The front bumper is cracked in the middle making the sides stick out and hang as if I folded it in half. The hood wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It's crinkled up and exposing part of the cars "guts" on the side, but still, not as bad. How could her car have sustained such a force coming at it while mine crinkled up like a piece of paper?

We went to the police station and made our statements. I got a ticket. The first time ever... I've never had any kind of traffic violation or anything. Now, I'm in the system. No longer off the grid... My insurance is pretty good. I knew that if I got into an accident I wouldn't have $500 to pay plus the ticket so I've been paying a little extra to keep my deductible down to $100. THANK GOD!

Luckily the woman whose car I hit was very nice. We took down eachother's information and called it a night. After she left, the policeman handed me that nasty pink piece of paper. Scribbled in carbon copy, the offense was marked "safe distance." In the eyes of the law, no matter what the circumstances, I was too close. I flipped it over to see what the damage would be to my checkbook. $200!!!

WHAT?! I can't pay that plus my deductible! I'm a 25 year old recent college grad with a house and a family. Holy crap! Then I learned that I could go to court. If I could prove the damages were taken care of and no one was badly injurred, I have a good shot. I'll take it! I'd rather go to court and try to reduce my out of pocket by being reduced to court costs only than not take the chance and be out the full $200.

I know it's just a little fender bender and lots of people go through this, but I feel like such a criminal. My name will be in the public database for the court system. I hate the thought of that! I can't believe I caused an accident before I even got a speeding ticket... 

*sigh* I'll fill you in after I make my first court appearance. Hopefully my defense attorney skills/grovelling are better than my driving skills.

Mini Chill Product Review

When I was approached by the makers of Mini Chill™ to review this product, I was more than skeptical. My skeptiscim was the perfect opportunity for me to provide a transparent and honest review, so I said "why not?!"  My husband is the king of energy drinks and I just like to stick to good old fashioned coffee. Energy drinks have nothing but junk in them. They provide a short burst of energy, then the guilt of consuming all of those empty calories and sugar. I'm not an afternoon coffee drinker. The caffiene is just too much and keeps me up until the wee hours of the morning making the next day even harder.

Mini Chill™ is a relaxation beverage which contains materials found in nature known to reduce stress, relieve anxiety and support a restful sleep. Mini Chill™ offers a way to reduce everyday anxiety and stress without interfering with a productive schedule. This little pick-me-up's four primary ingredients are natural, not chemical. Even better!

The first thing I have to rave about this product is that it actually does what it's supposed to do! The Mini Chill really is a "mini chill." It's a small 2 ounce pick-me-up that lasts all day long. And I really mean from the moment I drink it around 2:30, when the day starts dragging, until I go to bed around 11 pm. If you know anything about me, or have read my blog, you know I'm a chronic complainer of being "so tired!" When I drink the Mini Chill™ I don't even realize there's a change. It just happens. I'm suddenly able to focus without being stressed or distracted.

Another thing that really bothers me about the typical energy drink is that they just taste bad! The Mini Chill™ is so good! It's light and fruity and doesn't leave a chalky after-taste. You can drink it right out of the bottle with no refridgeration. Perfect for keeping in my desk drawer!

Whether it's at home, on the town, or during work everyone needs a chill. This is my new secret weapon! I keep a stash at work for that time of day when things seem to be dragging along and piling up. Sip on my Mini Chill™ and I'm good! You NEED to try this! I am very anti-energy drink and this is the right answer! The 2oz. "shots" retail for about $2.99 each and are available where ever you usually buy those 5 Hour Energy drinks.

To learn more about this amazing fast-acting and loooong-lasting mood and focus enhancing elixir, visit http://minichill.com/ or follow them on Twitter @MiniChill!

Random Thoughts Tuesday

My kid needs a helmet. How do you think it would look for me to have a helmet on my baby at all times? He bangs his head on everything. He's so wild he sat up (suddenly) and smacked his little forehead right on the changing table. In the bathtub, same thing. "Joshua, sit down.... Joshua, sit down! Sit DOWN, Joshua!" Bonk! Even with my hands braced around him to prevent him from slipping. He stands up, I put him down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Constant. He usually loves bath time but today is another story all around. I put him in the tub. He started screaming as if there were molton lava coming out of the faucet. The water was even on the cool side because it's hot in here. So I splashed around a little to show him that this was indeed the same place he has been to everyother night for the last nine months. It worked. Then out of nowhere, another scream. He shoots up, throws his hands around my neck and looks at me with that "mommy, save me!" look. Great... that phase...

He usually goes to bed pretty good, too. Not tonight. He's up there screaming his little head off. I'll go back up in a few minutes to calm him down, but he's staying up there. He sounds like an angry cat. I used to be able to just give him his bottle or put on his music and he'd be fine. I'm now listening to the sounds of the crib jumping around. How does this super human nine month old baby manage to move the crib? He's a freak of nature. I went up there. Calmed him down. He immediately blew his nose on my shirt... The second I walked away, he was screaming again.

Wait, it's quiet now... (KNOCK ON WOOD!)

Did you child go through this "mommy, I need you" phase? How long did it last? What are some ways to ease the neediness (if there even are any)?

Letter From the Cook

Dear Husband Who Will Never Read This,

I am 99% certain you will never see this post that is why I chose to vent here, to my beloved readers, so I don't explode in your face over something seemingly small.

When I cook dinner, please at least give me some inkling of a hint that it was appreciated. I know that you don't mind that I don't cook everyday, but when I do it would be great if I could get a "thanks, that was good." Even if it wasn't. Just lie. Lie through your teeth.

When you come home from work in the evening and Joshua is screaming his little head off because I'm preparing your meal and not playing with him, please feel free to take him up to bed. You get home at 8:00 from work, which is perfect timing for a trip up to bed. You're going up to shower anyway, can't you take the baby with you?

I'm yelling "Joshua, no!" for a reason. This is because he likes to play in the coffee filters, canned goods, pots, pans, etc. He's even been in the potato bag today. When I'm running from the counter to chop the onion then washing my hands to grab the baby before he puts a dust bunny he found somewhere in his mouth, please say "it's time for bed, don't worry, I'll take him up." That would be grand.

When I yell up that dinner is ready (which is honestly 10 minutes before it's actually ready because I know you will do this), please respond audibly. So I can hear you. If you're upstairs, don't shake your head. Don't wait 3 minutes and then answer because by then I'll have forgotten what I asked you when you say "ok."

Five minutes later when I tell you that dinner is ready, please come down. Please make the effort to remove your eyeballs that are seemingly glued to ESPN and pry your buttcheeks off the couch to come devour my fabulous meal I worked so hard on.

One minute after that, please don't get an attitude with me when I get pissy because I've been telling you that dinner is ready four thousand times.

I don't cook dinner because I feel like I have to. I cook dinner because I want to do something for you. Please take a second to consider that.

There will be a quiz. No open notes.

Love,

The Cook
aka Your Wife

That One Time I Traumatized My Baby

It was a odd summer morning. I was in my usual morning fog. That "I-still-need-a-few-more-hours-of-sleep" fog. But I got up, got myself ready, grabbed the baby and headed out the door. The sun hadn't come up quite yet so it was just dim enough to need your headlights on. It wasn't exactly drizzling. More like spitting. I think of it as just enough water to come out of the sky to compare to that time the guy with food in his mouth was talking to you and you were sprayed with little bits of pre-masticated food. This whole summer has been odd. Oddly and unseasonably cool. In Cleveland we usually get enough good pool days before August, but not this year.

I got to my sitter's house, parked the car, got out, went to open the back door. Crap. It's locked. Go back to the front door. Crap. That's locked too. CRAP! The baby's still in the car! Oh. My. God!

I walk calmly up to the front door, to be greated by my always cheerful babysitter. As I'm making my way up the walk I keep checking back. It's a very quiet neighborhood and it's very unlikely anyone would break into the car just because there's a baby in it. I, seemingly very calm, looked at my sitter. I must have had that look puppies get when they know they've done something bad. If I had a tail, it'd be between my legs.

"Can I use your phone? I locked the baby in the car." Of course as I'm spewing this inconceivably hard to imagine situation out of my mouth, I see my sitter's husband is home. Luckily, I've known Tina and her family for over 20 years. She had the pleasure (haha right) of watching me and my two sisters when we were young. I am so blessed that Josh will have the same care that I had.

Anyway. I call my husband. No answer. I call my mother. Of course she answered but I knew what I'd have started at that point. As soon as I utter the words "Baby is still in the car," I swear I think I gave her a heart attack. She was her usual frantic self and I knew she would be all day long. But that's just because she's my mother and that's her grandson locked in there. Another mom pulls up as Tina's husband is checking to see if he can get the doors open. Great. Another witness to my stupidity. I felt like anyone who knew would think "wow, she should have never had kids," or "feel bad for that baby with a mother like that." Ok, I know I'm exaggerating, but that's exactly what I felt!

We called the cops and I explained to them that I had my son locked in the car. They came about ten minutes later. Meanwhile my mother is calling Tina, frantic of course because I locked her grandson in the car. Luckily, as I had mentioned, it was a cool drizzly morning. I waited out next to the car under an umbrella just looking into the car hopelessly. The baby would look back and me and give a good complaining wail. "Waaaahhhhhh!!!" The look on his face clearly said "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE!? GET ME OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!!" Clearly.

So to end my story, I'll let you know that Josh was safe and sound when the policeman unlocked the door. I pulled him out of the car and hugged him and made sure that in those 20 minutes he didn't some how injure himself or cry himself into hysteria. The police officer said- "Oh, I didn't know there was a baby in there." Seriously? Now I know how miscommunications in law enforcement could alter the result of an emergency. What if it were a day like today? It was 80 degrees when I dropped him off.

Now anytime I put Josh in the car, buckle him in and we're ready to go. He screams. The. Whole. Way. There. Do you think I could have traumatized him? The screaming and crying and carrying on didn't start until a couple weeks after that horrifying incident, but maybe I enduced Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder on him!

Mother of the Year

Totally "Ticks" Me Off!

You may recall my post "Ten Years Without Sleep." This is the post that summarized my years of weird sleepiness and general lack of well being and yuckiness. Thursday of last week I finally had enough. I was sick of walking into work like a damn zombie everyday. I called and made an appointment and told the office that it was urgent. I got a slew of blood drawn. It seriously looked like a pint if you poured all of those little tubes into one big jug. My doctor is always booked so I saw her nurse practitioner. She's good and just the same as seeing a doctor. This nurse seriously thinks I'm a hypochondriac. I have "medically unexplained" fatigue and all of these cognitive malfunctions. Trouble with my short term memory, difficutly concentrating, unexplained back pains. In my previous post I explained how she thought it was all stress, doing too much, blah blah blah. Now I know what the cause is and my nurse practitioner who thought I was a hypochondriac can shove it.

I have freakin Lyme Disease! EW! My first thought of this is freakin nasty. (Freakin is the word of the day because it's more polite than dropping f-bombs and a great adjective to demonstrate how I feel). You have to be bitten by a damn tick to get this disease. How the F would that happen? I make a ridiculously conscious effort to avoid bugs at all costs. Seriously. I used to be such a tom boy until I realized that bugs can bite you and for this exact freaking reason, I avoided them! Ew. I had a tick on me. And it bit me... ewwwwwwwwwww OMG. I'm so nasty. I can't believe it.

Anyway, the nurse said it looks like my body has been fighting this for quite some time because I have antibodies in my blood. Again, ew. So now I have to go back in for more bloodwork because she thinks there's something else going on too. Ha! I'm not a freakin hypochondriac! See- I knew something was going on! I guess I'm kind of relieved we found something. Is that weird? It's not that I want to be "sick," I'm just glad we have something to treat. I read that most people who undergo the IV antibiotic treatment get relief from their chronic fatigue. Woo hoo!

Yeah, I'm still disgusted that I appear to have been bitten by a freakin tick. EEEEWWWWW! Now do you get the irony of why I joined "Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday?" That's freakin gross! Someone tell me that I'm not a nasty person because I had a freakin tick on me?!?!! Off to the doctor I go for more bloodwork. Oh joy...

Drained...

Drained... of everything... When you're a mom, actually even when you're not a mom, you're drained. Life goes so fast, we get through one day, just to get through another. When do we take a time out and stop. You work for money, you make money to live, you live to... what do you live for? Your children? You need to work for money to live for your children. The circle continues.

The expenses of motherhood are quickly catching up with me. Going through way more formula, the 75 cent step 3 foods twice a day. Cheerios. Damn expensive Gerber Graduates (seriously, they're like $4 for a couple handfuls of stuff). Box of diapers twice a week. Babysitter. Clothes. The list just keeps going. We live comfortably, but there's always room for more income, especially when you have a family. Luckily I have a great job where I have the opportunity to earn bonus pay- so the more work I do, the more I make. Great. I'm a work-a-holic.

Work from home, work on weekends here and there, work early. Never stay late! Thanks to childcare I need to get out at a reasonable time to get the bambino. But still, I've been working very hard lately. I have a descent salary. But I still can't wait for that bonus. All the extra resources, such as time and energy are put toward earning that extra income. That leaves little time and energy to spend that extra income. You'd think. Amazing how fast it goes.

I'm trying to get a little nest egg built up because I will soon have to pay off my Godforsaken student loans. This little nest egg is a nice little cushion to pad me from financial dispair when I'm paying back the sickening amounts of money to the federal government financial aid people. Bastards. It's great that everyone has the opportunity to go to college with federal money, but they seriously expect someone just out of college, who has a family and a mortgage in this economy to pay $400 a month in student loans? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I worked so hard for my education, and now I'm going to be working hard to pay off that education. Nevermind that I have a child to feed. Nevermind that maybe I'd like to spend some of my hard earned money on something I might like for myself.

Drained... financially, physically, emotionally, and now socially.

I've been feeling awefully detached from reality lately. That's a whole other blog post... I feel like I'm closed into this tiny little Mad Mom world or work and home, work and home. Don't get to be with my girlfriends much- I always have something to do... I enjoy myself when I get out and enjoy the people that I'm with but it's hard to find time for even my best friends and my family.

Eh, I don't know... thanks for listening to me vent. Your comments always cheer me up....

Random Thoughts Tuesday

I visited Momspective today to read her random thoughts. They were very random and I enjoyed the randomness so much I thought I'd partake. Sinc e I seem to be scraping for inspiration lately on just about everything, these blog/Twitter nuances really help me find some material! The baby's napping so I'm unwinding now and will let my ADD run wild for a few minutes. Enjoy!

At the beginning of this post I accidentally titled it "Random Thoughts Thursday." Then I was sad that it's not Thursday, it's only Tuesday :( I've been working a lot lately. Going in early, coming home late, working from home. I'm not complaining, I guess it's good job security (which we all need right now). The baby was sleeping when I came home. Is it bad of me to hope that he sleeps just a little longer? I miss him, I want to play with him, but right now I just need to chill. *Enter loud clap of thunder* yeah, rain. Thanks for that... please don't wake the baby!

I just need a "me" day. I'm so busy doing things for and with everyone else, I don't have enough time to just be by myself, enjoying what I like to do. Every weekend is jam packed with action from wedding showers and grad parties to mud volleyball and getting together with friends. I love the time I get to spend when I'm with my family and friends. We're always laughing and having a good time but by Sunday night, I'm ready for a night off. Not only does it exhaust me, it gets my little guy off his routine.

I feel like I've been really lax on the routine thing lately. Bed time has been about the same, same meal time... I guess everything has been right on schedule. It just feels like I'm rushing through the days just to get them over with because I want to get to that one day off! I need to schedule a day. Just. For. Me. Mani, pedi, shop, layout in the sun, maybe get my haircut. An all day Mad Mom pamper-a-thon... wait... I have pamper-a-thons everyday... I mean an all day Mad Mom Indugle-fest! My husband wonders why I take such loooong showers. Well, that's the only place I get to be alone. Sure I drive home from work by myself. That doesn't count because there are all kinds of crazy a-holes on the road trying to make me spew out curse words. The shower is quiet. The sound of the water is relaxing. I can just veg.

Speaking of veg, I haven't been eating many veggies lately. That probably attributes to the fact that I feel so run down. You know that feeling like you're just weighed down by all the processed crap you eat all the time? That's the one. Maybe if I make time for more veggies, I'll feel a little lighter... if only it were that easy. If I ate more veggies, that'd mean I'd probably have to cook them and make something else to eat them with... I like to cook but my counter space consists of about 3 square feet. Not chef friendly.

Well, this post could be about five times longer, but I'll spare your eyeballs from having to read all that... and make you beg for more by stopping here! Don't worry. I have plenty of random thoughts to last me the life of this blog...

...and the baby just got up...

Still Nothing?

After two weeks of waiting... still not sleep study results. I called the doctor's office today to find out if I could get in for a follow up and guess what. The next available appointment isn't until OCTOBER!!!! What's the point of that?

I feel like such a hypochondriac. I'm constantly on the web diagnosing myself with all kinds of weird diseases. It's not that I want something to be wrong with me... I just want be to able to treat me sleepiness. It's not normal. No healthy 25 year old should be so extremely exhausted for no reason. When I went to the doctor about a year and a half ago, she said that we may need to think outside the box as far as diagnoses go. Then she said the word (or acronym) MS. Severe fatigue along with some of my other symptoms could point toward Multiple Sclerosis. These other symptoms are pretty annoying and I did't think anything of it until she uttered those words... Clumsiness, running into things, not being able to speak properly... those are all some early signs. I felt like sometimes my tongue was too lazy to say my name properly. It was very weird. I'd have this painful tingly sensation in my arm - nothing made it better but it eventually went away. These things come and go... But she mentioned that over a year ago and who knows where my medical dilemma will lead me to next. All I know is that I'm ready to think outside the box!

Looks like I may go another 10 years without sleep.

10 Years Without Sleep

I have been waiting for this night for 10 years. The night when I sleep at a hotel, all expenses paid, courtesy of my medical insurance. Sounds great, right? Not quite. The reason for this all-inclusive stay-cation is because I've been tired for 10 years.



At first, the doctors said it was sinuses so they gave me a magical spray to spritz up my nose with the hope that my nasal passages would shrink and I'd be able to breathe. That obviously didn't work. Flash forward a couple years and I begin having sever fatigue. So severe that I'd nearly fall asleep in the middle of a conversation with friends at school. "Wow, you really are tired," they'd say as my eyes tried to close and my head jerked back up as if someone yanked me by the ponytail. The fatigue only worsened as my senior year of high school progressed. Where I went to high school, the cool kids got good grades and "overachieved." And there I was falling asleep every chance I got. I almost felt like a narcoleptic but I knew that wasn't the case as there are some different symptoms. It's hard enough to be in high school. It was as if I were falling in with the wrong crowd and partying all night long only to come to school without my homework done and snooze in 7 different rooms a day. That's how I learned the word haggard.

My english teacher called my mom and the questions any concerned teacher would. I wasn't meeting my potential, are there problems at home, is she getting in with a bad crowd? Nope, none of the above. When my mom told me he said I looked haggard, I was SO insulted but only because for some reason this 12 grader taking College Prep English didn't know what the word meant. I was a cheerleader (not the rah-rah type, but a competitive, trophy winning type) and every day I'd come home from school, sleep, go to practice or a game, sleep, go to school the next day and repeat the vicious cycle.

Eventually the falling asleep mid-sentence faded and I just became used to being very tired. I'd sleep for 10-11 hours and have to force myself out of bed. My next shot at getting a diagnosis was a few years ago. I was married, working full time and a full time college student. Even though the problem had been going on for quite some time, they said "you're stressed" and that was that. I was to wait until I graduated from college and had less on my plate to ever feel rested again. This would be understandable if my sleeping pattern had suddenly changed after I took on all these challenges in my life but it didn't. This had been going on far too long to attribute it to stress. Then came the baby... "wait till he's older, then you'll feel better." Again, this would be true if my baby didn't sleep through the night like a little angel since 4 weeks of age.

Now I've graduated from college, make sure I get 7-8 hours of sleep per night, don't have any major stressors in my life to cause me to be so tired. I finally get a sleep study. My mother was diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago. I'm convinced that I too suffer from something similar. My family used to tell me that I snore like a freight train.. that was a real confidence booster. Snoring is one of the many symptoms among other things like waking up thinking "why am I holding my breath right now? That's weird..."

Is it bad for me to secretly hope that when my results come back there's something actually wrong with me? I will be so upset if I come back and they say "everything's normal, you're just tired." I'm hoping there's a reason behind my years and years of fatigue so I can get treatment and wake up one day feeling refreshed. A refreshed feeling in the morning is something so rare to me that I can remember the exact date it last happened: December 9, 2007. That was a year and a half ago. Before then, I couldn't even tell you...

Wish me luck tonight. Hopefully in the next 10-15 business days I'll be linking back to this post talking about how I'm so happy to finally have answers!

Good night~

Mad Mom's Guide to Teething

Well, 4 teeth down, how many more to go? That's right... baby's teething! It's funny, you here the horror stories about how babies constantly scream and cry when they're cutting teeth, but it's actually before the teeth are cutting my baby is fussy.

It seems like it takes weeks for these tricky little teeth to rear their cute pearly goodness. It's hard to tell at first if the baby's teething. The first thing I noticed was he was drooling so much! We had to keep a bib on him and contemplated attaching some sort of drool catching contraption to his chin to collect all the "strings" of drool that incessantly hung from his lips. If you wanted to hold my kid you had better get on your rain coat and rubber gloves!

This started a few weeks before it even looked like any teeth were going to come in. After the constant drool calmed down, his gums got red and puffy. This was the sure sign of teething. Anything and everything went into his mouth. We did invest in teething rings, but he doesn't like them. I think they're too hard. He really loves to chew on his bottles' nipples. This is a bad habit to get into though because once those four front teeth are all the way in, he'll bite right through that nipple and milk will be everywhere... Speaking of, I gotta hand it to those moms who are still breastfeeding at this point! OUCH!!!

Anyway, my baby was at his fussiest when his gums were inflamed. I'd seriously have to hold him all day until he'd just fuss himself to sleep. We'd try everything... bottles, Oral Gel, teething rings, change of scenery... nothing worked. He just wanted his mommy to hold him. That's really cute and all and someday I'm sure I'll wish I were right back there, but Mommy needs a break! There's only so much whining and crying a person can take. My hubby is now working in the evenings so that leaves Mom up for baby time all night. That's wonderful and I really enjoy the time we get to play together. But... after a long day at work, I just want to relax. Can your teeth wait until tomorrow?

One time my husband and I were so desperate he actually did the whiskey trick. I cringed when I saw him reaching his finger in the bottle of Crown Royal (secretly wanting to rip the bottle from his hands and take a big long gulp!). He stuck his finger in the baby's mouth and more cries to the tune of What-in-God's-Name-is-That-Nasty-Stuff!? I hate to say it, but it worked. That was the first and last time that's happening. I felt so guilty getting my 6 month old liquored up so we could have some peace. Hey if our parents and our parents' parents did it, what's the worst that could happen? We didn't turn out so bad... except for the occasional binge on the weekends. Kidding!

So all of you Mad Moms who have teething babies, here are some great tips I got from my Twitter Tweeps: (I have omitted the obvious Baby OraGel and teething ring tips-you already know those!)

• Make ice cubes of formula or breast milk and let the baby suck and chew on them.
• Clean and peel a carrot for the baby to chew on. (My baby LOVES this -and it works!)
• Make a slushy nipple: Use an old bottle nipple, fill it with juice, water or milk, seal it up as you wish, and freeze it till it's slushy- my little guy would prefer this one since the teethers are too hard.

First Outing... Oops!

It was a cold, snowy December day when we made our first venture out of the house with our new baby. The bag was packed, diapers, extra blankets, formula... check, check, check. Our big excursion to the ever-exciting Wal-Mart was underway!

I was so happy to be out of the house. I had decided early in my maternity leave that I just couldn't be a stay at home mom. I'm sure I'll feel differently at some point, but my baby was so easy. All he did all day was sit there and look at me... Anyway, we were out shopping during the busiest season of course. Wal-Mart is always a zoo at Christmas time. I don't know why we decided we had to go there, but it was a small enough trip for our first outing. My baby already looked like a 3 month old from birth, due to his macrosomia and freakishly-large-for-age appearance. I'd get "oh, how cute" and "how old" left and right. Then you have those people who think you should lock yourself in your house for nine months until your baby can fight off germs.

I think the opposite. We took our baby out when he was just under a month old. I think this is perfectly acceptable. Just bundled him up and off we went. Of course I didn't let him touch the public toilet seat or lick the floor of the fitting rooms, but yes, we went out in public. (gasp!)

During our little excursion the baby started getting a little fussy and I did't think much of it. Then came the tears... then the sob... My heart melted. He was hungry....

WHAT?! We didn't pack the formula?! I have clothes, extra blankets, diaper rash cream (you know, because he'll get a rash and need ointment in that whole hour we were out) and no formula?!

We immediately hauled-ass to Babies R Us (seeing as we just left Wal Mart). We didn't have any bottles either. How could I forget that? What do babies do- sleep, poop and EAT! So my husband hurridly ran into the store as I tried to comfort my startving little piggy. Not only did I feel like the worst mother in the world, but I was embarrassed. I was positive you could hear my baby's screams of starvation all the way to China. Five minutes goes by... Where's my husband? He knows the baby's hungry, why isn't he here yet? I start blaming him because I'm sick of blaming myself-- even though I'm the one who packed his bag... Ten minutes went by and still no food! I picked up the phone and tried to calmly ask what's taking so long. I figured the sounds of the baby's cries over the phone would be sufficient. Wouldn't you know he got stuck behind some lady arguing about the price of a toy... My baby's STARVING and you don't want to pay $6.99 for a darn toy!

Sooner or later my husband finally got through the line and out to the car. We broke open the little pre-bottled formula and slapped on a nipple. My kid already eats fast, but this bottle was gone in what felt like 30 seconds.

Needless to say that from all the crying, he really slept good that night!

Too Many Hats

After a nearly two week hiatus I'm back. You'd think that I'd come back from a beautiful tropical place like Punta Cana all inspired... That's not the case. I'm tired. Being away from my baby for six days really takes a toll on the whole family.


Vacation was amazing. We didn't have the best weather but it was still the perfect opportunity for me to do absolutely nothing but lay around on the beach for six days. The only problem with vacation is coming back to reality. Not only did I leave my family for six days, but my cube at work was also lacking a Mad Mom.

This is where life gets a little tricky. As women, we feel responsible for everything. It's our nature. Our families, careers, education, community, church, schools, etc. Each of these institutions requires something a little different. As a mom I need to make sure I can use the booger-sucker extra quick so the little guy won't throw a tantrum. As a student I have responsibilities to my team mates to do group papers. And the selection of hats from small and cute, to large, heavy, and boring.

I came home from a long day at work this week with a folder full of work that I thought I'd be able to get done at home. Guess again. I put the baby on the floor next to my desk thinking "Ok, you play here and I'll work." Every time I looked away he'd scoot away (not quite crawling) and yell and beg for my attention. Perhaps this is what I get for being away from him for six days. I just can't play now. He needed to be quiet so I could get things done. If I didn't, my commission would be very tiny making life even more difficult. I shooshed him, and gave him toys but nothing worked. He just wanted me.

With all of the work I had to get done, and the schoolwork I needed to catch up on there was no time for the mommy hat. I just wanted to leave the house and get away from being constantly in demand. When I realized that is what I was thinking, that's when I stopped.

The mommy hat never comes off. This hat is permanently attached to our heads. Mommy's don't get vacation or sick days or peace and quiet. I started to feel guilty. I'm letting my other hats get all of my attention. All my baby wanted was to be with his mommy. How could I not love that?

I took a step back. Packed up my work. And sat on the floor next to the little one. His face lit up. That made it all disappear. All of that stress. All of my other hats were weighing me down. I needed to take them off and let the mommy hat take over for a while. I find that when I do this, I feel like a better mother. Of course there's always something else that we have going on whether it be college, work, or mounting bills, but taking a breath and thinking about how special that baby is turns it all around.

Put it all on the back burner for a minute. Just give your child(ren) the attention they demand and soak up each and every minute of it. They're not this young forever!