Chaos Ensues: Part I

Well it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. 2010 was a whirlwind year. It was filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. My son turned two in November and just before then, I realized I had resented him somewhat since he was born.

That's not something a mom likes to admit, especially to the entire world through a blog post. I got married at 22 and started a family at 24. I realized I went through a quarter-life crisis last year. There's so much pressure on people in our age group to be at a certain place in our lives at this age. I had to grow up so fast, and hold so much responsibility that I cracked under all the pressure. It damaged a few close friendships and countless other intangible consequences.

In times like this, I like to focus on what I gained and learned from my experiences. I learned more about life and myself in one summer, than I had in the last few years. I'll start from the beginning but this is going to take more than one post. I'll try to get the whole story up too...

It started about a year and a half ago. I suddenly had a renewed self-confidence that was bursting right out of me. At the time I had just graduated from college and landed my dream job.  I had a hard time in college. It was a lot of pressure to keep up with school, work, buying a house and being a wife - and that was before I was pregnant. I remember crying on my way home one day thinking, why can't I handle all of this? There are so many more people in this world who do it in worse circumstances than I am. Why can't I handle it as well as them? After graduation in June of 2009, I of course felt relieved. Relieved that I no longer had to be a wife, mother, full time student, and super star employee (among other things like sister, daughter, best friend, etc.). I could scratch one thing off the list of responsibilities.

My career was thriving. I was promoted to Senior Account Executive in late 2009. Though it seemed I had everything a girl could ask for, I had a feeling deep inside that I was missing something. An emptiness I couldn't understand.

Pooping with the Door Open

Now did that headline get your attention or what?! ;) I don't know what it is about men that make them so comfortable with everything. For instance, pooping with the bathroom door open. That's so gross. Why do men do this? I know it may not be everyman but there sure are a lot that have no problem letting all hang out after the novelty of newly-wedded bliss has worn off.

I read an interesting article on CNN about what we do in front of our partners. There's a certain guard let down after being in a relationship so long. You think, "hey, we're married, or we've been together forever. Why not let one rip?" I don't really have a problem with dirty habbits as long as I don't have to be a witness to them.

Spitting - particularly lugies. That's disgusting. Over the years I've told my husband how the sound of this makes my want to hurl all over him and never kiss him again. So he stopped doing it in front of me.

Passing gas is another. Hey, I'll admit it, there are certain times of the month or during pregnancy when women have toxic ass. It's normal but as women we usually don't just let 'em rip so proudly (at least I don't) as men do. The worst is how the stink usually comes out at night. Then you have to lay in bed and marinate in it. EW!

And finally, pooping with the door open. That's gross. I'll put up with the occassional lugie and nasty fart, but please for the love of God shut the door! I love you and there's no fart or poop sound in the world that would stop me from loving you but... do you really think I'm so excited to hear every bodily function up close and personal that I just can't wait to jump in bed with you? NO!

I need your take on this ladies. Am I the only one who thinks this is an absolute turn off? I'm comfortable but not enough to even pee with the door open. We've been together 7 years and my husband told me I'm going to have to poop in front of him eventually so "get used to it." NO! I don't wanna!

Wordless Wednesday: Anniversary Edition

Since this Wordless Wednesday just happens to be my three year wedding anniversary, I thought I'd share a few pics of my happy day with you all!


Me with my youngest sister the day before the big day.


My daddy walking me down the aisle.

Six-Pack Super Model

Ok ladies- if you're squeemish or don't like to talk about the "S" word then I warn you to turn away now. No, I won't get into gory details but if you don't like it don't say I didn't warn you!

Let's face it ladies, we can dream about how relationships are built on love and trust and all that mushy crap, but when you get right down to it, you need more than love to keep a relationship strong. Unfortunately, men need sex. Its like a natural instinct or something. They need to fulfill that macho animal in their DNA at least once a week or we women will never hear the end of it until we just give in! Maybe you're one of those rare couples who do it all the time. Maybe you do it less than once a week. Either way men are never satisfied. They always seem to need it more than they're getting it.

Lately we've been in the less than once a week category- actually longer than lately, more like for the passed couple years. My sex drive is nearly non-existent. I could go months without if I was able. I'm sure you all know how happy that makes the hubby! Its less than once a week only if I haven't had a drink in that long.

For whatever reason I turn into what I call a Six-Pack Super Model after a couple glasses of wine or a few beers. My husband started saying things that made me think like "you only want me when you're drinking." He started to actually think that I only found him attractive through my beer goggles. "That's insane," I'd tell him. He's a very attractive man. Very sweet and kind, too. So how could he even think that the reason I want him after a couple cocktails is because of a lack of physical attraction to him?

I call this inner-diva alter ego the Six-Pack Super Model because that's how I feel. You know that feeling of self-confidence you have when you've had a couple of really good martinis or a couple nice cold Miller Lites. That's what it is. You're the most beautiful girl in the room, strong, sexy, confident. You look in the mirror and see this more attractive version of yourself. Suddenly, the beer you drank helped you lose 20 pounds, made your hair look perfect, perked your sagging boobs up, and even made your outfit look better than it did when you left. THIS is, sadly, the real reason women feel the need to embrace their inner sex-goddess after a few drinks. Not because the men look better. No guys - its not all about you!

How can we help this Six-Pack Super Model appear without the six pack? The first thing I would suggest is focusing on you. Too often when we try to "spice" things up, especially in the bedroom, we immediately think of things that make us feel less comfortable than we did to begin with. Whipped cream, hand cuffs, and blindfolds are not my idea of spicing things up. After the physical realities of human gestation and child birth reared its ugly head in the form of stretchmarks and sagging, the last thing I want to do is be blindfold so I can't see you examining my deformed body (or at least that's why my subconscious thinks is happening). The first step in bringing out our inner super model is becoming more comfortable with our bodies. My husband is uber supportive and still to this day, after seeing my body transform from slim and young to carrying an eleven pound baby to what it is today, he still thinks I'm beautiful. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I need those little reminders of how attractive I am. Not sexy- you can call me sexy all you want. I don't want to be sexy, I want to be beautiful.

Are you a Six-Pack Super Model? Does you feel so self-conscious that you can't even be comfortable with your own husband or partner? I feel for you. You're not alone. My husband thinks it's not normal that I'm so embarrassed or shy of my own body, but he has no idea. I think I'm pretty normal.

Drained...

Drained... of everything... When you're a mom, actually even when you're not a mom, you're drained. Life goes so fast, we get through one day, just to get through another. When do we take a time out and stop. You work for money, you make money to live, you live to... what do you live for? Your children? You need to work for money to live for your children. The circle continues.

The expenses of motherhood are quickly catching up with me. Going through way more formula, the 75 cent step 3 foods twice a day. Cheerios. Damn expensive Gerber Graduates (seriously, they're like $4 for a couple handfuls of stuff). Box of diapers twice a week. Babysitter. Clothes. The list just keeps going. We live comfortably, but there's always room for more income, especially when you have a family. Luckily I have a great job where I have the opportunity to earn bonus pay- so the more work I do, the more I make. Great. I'm a work-a-holic.

Work from home, work on weekends here and there, work early. Never stay late! Thanks to childcare I need to get out at a reasonable time to get the bambino. But still, I've been working very hard lately. I have a descent salary. But I still can't wait for that bonus. All the extra resources, such as time and energy are put toward earning that extra income. That leaves little time and energy to spend that extra income. You'd think. Amazing how fast it goes.

I'm trying to get a little nest egg built up because I will soon have to pay off my Godforsaken student loans. This little nest egg is a nice little cushion to pad me from financial dispair when I'm paying back the sickening amounts of money to the federal government financial aid people. Bastards. It's great that everyone has the opportunity to go to college with federal money, but they seriously expect someone just out of college, who has a family and a mortgage in this economy to pay $400 a month in student loans? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I worked so hard for my education, and now I'm going to be working hard to pay off that education. Nevermind that I have a child to feed. Nevermind that maybe I'd like to spend some of my hard earned money on something I might like for myself.

Drained... financially, physically, emotionally, and now socially.

I've been feeling awefully detached from reality lately. That's a whole other blog post... I feel like I'm closed into this tiny little Mad Mom world or work and home, work and home. Don't get to be with my girlfriends much- I always have something to do... I enjoy myself when I get out and enjoy the people that I'm with but it's hard to find time for even my best friends and my family.

Eh, I don't know... thanks for listening to me vent. Your comments always cheer me up....

Thoughts on Marriage

I don't know if my random thoughts this morning is due to my complete lack of sleep this week. Josh got up at 2 am then again at 5 and I've been up ever since. I got an email from a good friend of mine mentioning her mother in law.. but she's not really her mother in law because her and her boyfriend aren't married. So that made me think... How do you really define marriage?

When my husband and I were getting married we had weekly meetings with the minister at my church. On the first night he asked us for our addresses. I answered first then he looked at my then-fiance for his. He and I looked at eachother, then at the minister and said- "it's the same address....??" We said it with that higher pitch at the end of the sentence as if we were asking if we had answered correctly. I didn't want to lie, but I really didn't want to tell the truth either. But then I thought lying to a minister in a church wouldn't look good on my rap sheet on judgement day.

I'm about to get spiritual on you all so if you're not into that, don't say I didn't warn you.

Everyone views marriage in either one of two categories or in both. Marriage is a) a legal bond between two people and the state of Ohio (or where ever) or b) a spiritual bond between two people promised before God.

I challenge this question: What did they consider marriage before there were laws? Did they just get together with their preist and say "we're gettin' hitched?" I always used to think marriage was a sacred bond between two people and the Lord. Keeping God in our marriage has helped us stay afloat. As I'm growing up and able to form my own ideas (other than what my parents had burned into my brain) I'm seeing marriage in different forms.

During our pre-marital counseling my minister discussed his views of intimacy and "living in sin" after we reluctantly disclosed our living and intimacy arrangements. He said that it was Ok by him. WHAT? We had made a promise to eachother that we wouldn't stray from one another. I have to agree with that. Though it wasn't legally official until our wedding day, we had already made that promise toward one another and toward God so we were in a way already married.

So this brings me to the point of legality and marriage. What ever happened to common law? My friend has been living with her boyfriend for YEARS. Their kids have grown up together, their families are close, etc. So how shouldn't she have the same legal rights as a married person (and vise versa). Maybe a bad relationship spoiled the idea of marriage- should that ban her from the legal benefits just because she doesn't want to take the plunge again?

Thought to ponder on this Thursday... Thank God it's almost the weekend!