Thursday, April 23, 2009

Whose Boobs Are These?

That's supposed to be one of the perks, right? If you didn't have much up top before, you were going to have big voluptuous boobs now! Yeah, well that all comes at a price.

Pregnancy does weird things to your body. I was not very well endowed before the pregnancy, but once those hormones got going I was a 42 D! HooWah!! Alright boobs! Finally!

Suddenly everything I wore made me look trampy. Just a common floozy showing off her goodies. If only that were the case. Pregnant boobs are different from normal boobs in many ways. That low-cut top that flowed gracefully over my belly also revealed the big blue veins and shiny skin that accompanied my gigantic knockers. It looked like I took a pair of opaque balloons, filled them up with water until they were about to burst and stuck them in my shirt. Oh yeah, then drew some big blue lines on them to direct traffic toward the nipple. And the nipple! OMG! If you are pregnant, have been pregnant or ever plan on being pregnant you have to read Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs! In one chapter she gabs about our girls and refers to her nipples as dinner plates. Seriously. They get THAT big! Freakishly large boobs (well I have seen bigger- but not on me!) and freakishly large nipples!

Sooner or later I knew they'd deflate and I'd be back to my normal size or maybe something a tad bigger.

Deflate is the keyword. It's like someone poked a hole right in my nipple and funneled all the boob stuff out. I never thought that my boobs would reach my waist at 25 - pretty sure I had at least 30 years before that happened... No one ever tells you how gross it is to feel the under side of your boob touch your belly. It's really nasty. I rarely go bra-less now. When I'm holding the baby or he's laying on my chest, it feels like he's pushing them down more. Can that happen? Can your boobs get so used to being pushed down like that and just decide to stay there?

Now 5 months later, I'm still waiting for my miracle bra. A mom's miracle bra would be something that repels water for those soak-through spitups, cups that don't just lift your boobs into a jiggly mess- but rather make them look full and youthful again, and finally some kind of fantastic thing that hid all of the boob stretch marks. Yeah, stretch marks on your BOOBS! As if floppy wasn't a good enough adjective to be describing my breasts...


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