Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ouch! My Uterus!

I have the skin of a teenager. There are similarities between my face and an Exxon oil tanker right now. I have been tossing and turning for four days and frequenting the Godforsaken vending machine at work. I swear, everyone at work must know when I'm PMSing because I clean out the vending machine of everything chocolate and/or made with some form of cake and creme filled goodness.

Toxic ass is a symptom of PMS. Don't pretend like you don't know it. It's a fact of life. Even children read "Everybody Poops." That was also a silent-but-deadly side effect of pregnancy. Hey we're allowed to be honest with eachother here.

Total bitch tendencies are not because my hormones are flooding every which cell of my womanly figure. It's because my freaking uterus HURTS! Seriously, how nice would you be if it felt like someone was peeling your balls like a potatoe then jumping up and down on them with nails in their steel-toed boots?? Please, tell me!

Yes, sometimes I need to wear a diaper. That's just how it is. That's why the sell mutli-packs of tampons. You know for those "heavy flow" days and the "not so heavy" days. Please, Josh, don't mind if I steal one of your diapers because mommy has her period.
Then, today of all days, I look in my rearview mirror in the natural bright morning sun and see my mustache loud and proud. These little peach fuzz hairs sure are standing tall today. WTF? It's like one day I look like a shmale, then the next I can't even see them. Then to top it off, my sister convinced me to grow my eyebrows out so I can reshape them.
I'm just feeling uber hairy right now....  I bet I've painted a gorgeous picture of me in your head for you. I know, everything is magnified 100 times when you have PMS. I'm sure my upper lip isn't that hairy.
Please leave me so comment love before I go all premenstrual on someone's ass!


amy Brown said...

I hear ya! I couldn't get the diapers out of the pampers packaging last night and I had to SCREAM. why do they put them in there so tight??? grrrr stupid PMS!!

Christine said...

OH I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!! Very entertaining post...the 'toxic ass' well...that is one way to put it....MUST remember that!! :D

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