Wardrobe Malfunction

One thing you have to accept as a mother is that your wardrobe is an extension of necessities carried in your diaper bag. Then there are the absentminded times when you just don't care.

A few weeks ago, it was sunny and beautiful outside- a great day to take Josh to the playground. He just loves those baby swings! We live fairly close to the park, so I just load him up in the stroller and off we go! I was feeling particularly skinny that day. There were a couple sun dresses I hadn't worn since my vacation in Punta Cana so I decided to throw one on and show off my MILF self. Then the wind started to blow. Picture a Mad Mom strolling her baby through the neighborhood then, WOOSH, up goes the dress. And this was a grannie panties kind of day. I wasn't even wearing anything underneath that I could be proud of. I thought for sure that was a fluke. How could wind blow upward anyway?

Then the next gust, then a constant breeze. Nice. I resorted to bunching up my dress and holding it against my leg in one hand, and steering the stroller with the other. Good thing my husband was meeting us at the playground after work and would DRIVE us home.

Then there was the time I wore my nasty shorts to the store. Everyone has them. Those nasty, worn out, dingy looking shorts. You've had them since high school so they're nice and broken in. And since they fit on your ever-so-slender rear end in high school, you of course must wear them now- just because they fit. This particular pair, straight from my cheerleading days (aaakk!) has developed a couple holes in the seem of the butt crack. I only wear them around house where I dont care who sees my undies (or grannie panties depending on the day). Well, I had been home for a while and my husband just got home from work. I needed to run up to the store really quick for those last minute necessities. Totally wore the holy pants. Big. Giganic. Hole. In my ass. How embarrassing...

Other awesome wardrobe malfunctions:

My t-shirt serves as a tissue
Is that POOP? Nuff said...
White blouse became a napkin on spaghetti night. Forgot until I wore it to work... at least the stain was barely visable by then...
Got dressed for company THEN burped the baby... bad idea
Had a baby washcloth hanging out my pant leg one day

Wordless Wednesday: Anniversary Edition

Since this Wordless Wednesday just happens to be my three year wedding anniversary, I thought I'd share a few pics of my happy day with you all!


Me with my youngest sister the day before the big day.


My daddy walking me down the aisle.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

My kid needs a helmet. How do you think it would look for me to have a helmet on my baby at all times? He bangs his head on everything. He's so wild he sat up (suddenly) and smacked his little forehead right on the changing table. In the bathtub, same thing. "Joshua, sit down.... Joshua, sit down! Sit DOWN, Joshua!" Bonk! Even with my hands braced around him to prevent him from slipping. He stands up, I put him down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Constant. He usually loves bath time but today is another story all around. I put him in the tub. He started screaming as if there were molton lava coming out of the faucet. The water was even on the cool side because it's hot in here. So I splashed around a little to show him that this was indeed the same place he has been to everyother night for the last nine months. It worked. Then out of nowhere, another scream. He shoots up, throws his hands around my neck and looks at me with that "mommy, save me!" look. Great... that phase...

He usually goes to bed pretty good, too. Not tonight. He's up there screaming his little head off. I'll go back up in a few minutes to calm him down, but he's staying up there. He sounds like an angry cat. I used to be able to just give him his bottle or put on his music and he'd be fine. I'm now listening to the sounds of the crib jumping around. How does this super human nine month old baby manage to move the crib? He's a freak of nature. I went up there. Calmed him down. He immediately blew his nose on my shirt... The second I walked away, he was screaming again.

Wait, it's quiet now... (KNOCK ON WOOD!)

Did you child go through this "mommy, I need you" phase? How long did it last? What are some ways to ease the neediness (if there even are any)?

Hide Your Children! Videos From the 80s Are On!

I warn you: If you are pregnant, have a heart condition or are freaked out by Herbie Hancock videos, please look away now and read a more enlightening post like "Whose Boobs Are These?"

I was sitting in my quiet house, yes, it was in fact quiet for once. Out of the living room comes a familiar yet horrifying sound. I run into the living room to see what the hell channel was playing this terrifying musical disaster. It was the Weather Channel. I couldn't believe it. Rockit by Herbie Hancock was playing while our Local on the 8's forecasts scrolled the screen. When did the Weather Channel replace their calming elevator music with perhaps the most frightening song ever written?

This fear of Herbie Hancock developed early in my childhood. My parents had a new VCR. Yes, new VCR is an oxymoron in 2009. Anyway, they liked to record MTV since it was so new. Wow, I'm really aging myself here. I danced around to vairous musical tunes throughout my early childhood. Such gems as The Pointer Sisters' Neutron Dance (my whole life I thought it was "new time dance," hey I was like 4 cut me some slack), Sheena Easton's Strut, and The Heat is On from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack. Other still popular songs included All She Wants to Do is Dance and Madonna's Like a Virgin.

My sister and I'd dance around to these videos for hours and we'd beg my mom and dad to watch the "videos tape." There was one video in particular that freaked me out. As soon as the music started, even if I wasn't in the room, the first freakish sound would send me crying to my mommy. Have you ever seen the video for Rockit? It's disturbing and my dad thought it was hilarious that I was so freaked out by this. The "people" are all mechanical robot looking things. And then there are these legs. OH MY GOD the LEGS! UGH that was the worst part! They just walk around the room by themselves and kick and it's so frightening.

My parents still have a VCR and on my 20th birthday (which sadly doesn't even seem that long ago) my dad popped it in. My boyfriend, now husband, was there. The songs were playing in the background during dinner. Kind of had a little flashback night. It was great... until... Rockit came on! Just as I did 15 years or so before that, I ran and hid behind the wall in the other room so I couldn't see those freakish legs kicking away to that horrifying beat.

I was unable to embed the video, but I included the link here so you could see. Watch at your own risk. Perhaps I'm just holding on to my fears from childhood, but you'd have to admit, this would freak any kid out!

Rockit Video that creaps me out!

What are your thoughts? Is there anything that really freaked you out as a child - or maybe still does?

Letter From the Cook

Dear Husband Who Will Never Read This,

I am 99% certain you will never see this post that is why I chose to vent here, to my beloved readers, so I don't explode in your face over something seemingly small.

When I cook dinner, please at least give me some inkling of a hint that it was appreciated. I know that you don't mind that I don't cook everyday, but when I do it would be great if I could get a "thanks, that was good." Even if it wasn't. Just lie. Lie through your teeth.

When you come home from work in the evening and Joshua is screaming his little head off because I'm preparing your meal and not playing with him, please feel free to take him up to bed. You get home at 8:00 from work, which is perfect timing for a trip up to bed. You're going up to shower anyway, can't you take the baby with you?

I'm yelling "Joshua, no!" for a reason. This is because he likes to play in the coffee filters, canned goods, pots, pans, etc. He's even been in the potato bag today. When I'm running from the counter to chop the onion then washing my hands to grab the baby before he puts a dust bunny he found somewhere in his mouth, please say "it's time for bed, don't worry, I'll take him up." That would be grand.

When I yell up that dinner is ready (which is honestly 10 minutes before it's actually ready because I know you will do this), please respond audibly. So I can hear you. If you're upstairs, don't shake your head. Don't wait 3 minutes and then answer because by then I'll have forgotten what I asked you when you say "ok."

Five minutes later when I tell you that dinner is ready, please come down. Please make the effort to remove your eyeballs that are seemingly glued to ESPN and pry your buttcheeks off the couch to come devour my fabulous meal I worked so hard on.

One minute after that, please don't get an attitude with me when I get pissy because I've been telling you that dinner is ready four thousand times.

I don't cook dinner because I feel like I have to. I cook dinner because I want to do something for you. Please take a second to consider that.

There will be a quiz. No open notes.

Love,

The Cook
aka Your Wife

Wordless Wednesday: Why I Love the Internet

see more Fail Blog

Wanchai Ferry Asian Meals: Review & Giveaway

I like to cook but certain aspects of it deplete my desire to even consider being in the kitchen for more than ten minutes. Certain recipes spark my interest or I get a taste for a certain something but then I look in my pantry to realize I don't have half of the ingredients I'd need to prepare that meal. That's where the take out comes in. My husband and I are take out junkies. When it's not take out, I'm usually opting for a meal that takes little time to prepare so I can keep an eye on my busy little boy!

When MyBlog Spark offered my the opportunity to try the new Wanchai Ferry Asian meals, I was so excited! To know that I could actually get restaurant quality Chinese cuisine without the wait and expense of ordering out really perked up my taste buds! Tonight I tried the orange chicken meal. In just one package I got crispy chicken, veggies, sauce and the most delicious jasmine rice. Preparation was so easy! I felt like Mad Mom Stir-Fry Extraordinaire by the time I was done making my Orange Chicken Feast!

The vegetables are so crunchy and taste so fresh. That has to be my number one complaint about ordering Chinese take out. The veggies, especially broccoli, are so soggy and cooked to death! My favorite part of this meal was the authentic jasmine rice. The sutle jasmine flavor in the rice paired with the beautifully made orange sauce was like heaven in my mouth! Sometimes orange sauce can be too tart or sweet but the ingredients in Wanchai Ferry's orange chicken sauce harmonized perfectly with the rice and vegetables.

It was so good, I could have seriously eaten the entire package. I had a hard time setting some aside for my husband to try! Do I have your taste buds' attention? You can get a $1.50 off coupon here! The site even offers meal tips to enhance your Wanchai Ferry frozen entree!

MyBlog Spark is giving away one dinner for two prize pack! This includes one meal of your choice, two Asian inspired bowls, two bamboo place mats, and two sets of chopsticks. A complete Asian night IN! Here's how to enter:

Initial Entry:
Leave a comment here about why you want to try Wanchai Ferry frozen entrees

1 Extra Entry:
Follow my blog or subscribe to the RSS feed. Please leave a separate comment that you did!

1 Extra Entry:
Follow @MadMomMission on Twitter (comment here with your Twitter ID)

1 Extra Entry:
Tweet this giveaway and post a link to the Tweet here.

2 Extra Entries:
Blog about this contest with a link back to this Giveaway!


Please be sure that you create a separate blog comment for each of the above entries or they won’t count!

Giveaway ends 11:59pm on August 31st. Thanks for entering and good luck!

Why Diets Suck

So I've been considering jumping back on the diet bandwagon. I hate that bandwagon. It's full of people who complain about being on a diet and restrict themselves from the most fun to eat and delicious foods in life. The diet bandwagon is also full of people who are repeat offenders. They get on, fall off, get back on... The vicious cycle continues...

That's why I don't get on the bandwagon. The mere stigma of "I'm on a diet" eats at my core. And no, it unfortunately doesn't eat away at my waistline. I've tried them all. Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach. The year my husband and I got engaged I did the Atkins thing. It worked great! I dropped 20 ugly pounds in only two months. We went to Vegas, got engaged, and came back and celebrated. I found myself trying to lose back that 20 pounds when we were nearing our wedding a year later. All diets are pretty good if you stick with them. But as soon as I banish every grain of sweet, sugary, fat-filled carbohydrate from my life I become a fiend for them. The second time I tried the Atkins Diet I actually found myself in tears, hugging a pillow staring into the kitchen thinking "if I could have just one Cheerio," or "sure, now I crave mashed potatoes."


The other day my friend at work asked me if I was on a diet. She asked this because a few days earlier a group of us went to lunch and I opted for the fresh fruit bowl as opposed to the array of greasy deliciousness the diner serves. I raved about how each and every piece of fruit was the freshest I'd ever tasted. Seriously, the bananas were even good and I usually don't like them in fruit bowls because they get all mushy. In response to my friend's question I thought "ha, I should be," but answered a simple "nope."

The stigma of being on a diet sets me up for failure. The fact that from this day going forward I'm banned from everything in life that tastes wonderful just messes with my brain and will power.

"I'm on a diet. I can't eat that cheeseburger. If I do my muffin top will for sure be overflowing the top of my jeans even more tomorrow." This is what we think to ourselves in an effort to convince the brain that we don't need that cheesy, greasy, and undeniably wonderful burger.

Before you go on a diet is even worse.

"I'm starting my diet Monday. So Sunday I'm cooking all the fattening food in the house. That includes clearing the cupboards of all cookies, Little Debbies, chips, and yes, even the ice cream." So by doing this to "rid" our kitchen of temptation, we pretty much pack on 5 pounds before the diet even starts so we have even more to do.

Guess you could say I've been on a diet forever. Yes, I gained 85 pounds during my pregnancy but hey that was NO time to be dieting! Before I got knocked up (my mom hates when I say that because "my husband and I got pregnant" not "knocked up") I had been losing a good deal of unneeded weight. The pounds were falling off left and right and it was fantastic! Same thing goes for post-baby weight. I've been steadily losing the weight since he was born. I made it back to pre-baby weight by the time Josh was 7 months old. That's 85 pounds - OFF!

In my opinion, losing weight isn't about dieting and all the stigma that comes with it. It's more about making healthy choices and starting each day new. Some people succeed with a plan. But if you tell me that I can't have a Big Mac for two months, you've got another thing coming. It's ok to savor that Mitchell's Key Lime Pie ice cream *OMG my fave* every once in a while. But if you find that you had ice cream already this week, think about it and say "you know, I've already had my treat for the week, I'm going to be good today." Then, tomorrow's a new day.

My advice to eat balanced. Sometimes you're allowed to treat yourself. Just remember to remain conscious about what you eat. If you need some motivation, check out Mommy Maria. She is my bloggy buddy and is the first Mamavation Mom. You can follow her progress right along with yours!

That One Time I Traumatized My Baby

It was a odd summer morning. I was in my usual morning fog. That "I-still-need-a-few-more-hours-of-sleep" fog. But I got up, got myself ready, grabbed the baby and headed out the door. The sun hadn't come up quite yet so it was just dim enough to need your headlights on. It wasn't exactly drizzling. More like spitting. I think of it as just enough water to come out of the sky to compare to that time the guy with food in his mouth was talking to you and you were sprayed with little bits of pre-masticated food. This whole summer has been odd. Oddly and unseasonably cool. In Cleveland we usually get enough good pool days before August, but not this year.

I got to my sitter's house, parked the car, got out, went to open the back door. Crap. It's locked. Go back to the front door. Crap. That's locked too. CRAP! The baby's still in the car! Oh. My. God!

I walk calmly up to the front door, to be greated by my always cheerful babysitter. As I'm making my way up the walk I keep checking back. It's a very quiet neighborhood and it's very unlikely anyone would break into the car just because there's a baby in it. I, seemingly very calm, looked at my sitter. I must have had that look puppies get when they know they've done something bad. If I had a tail, it'd be between my legs.

"Can I use your phone? I locked the baby in the car." Of course as I'm spewing this inconceivably hard to imagine situation out of my mouth, I see my sitter's husband is home. Luckily, I've known Tina and her family for over 20 years. She had the pleasure (haha right) of watching me and my two sisters when we were young. I am so blessed that Josh will have the same care that I had.

Anyway. I call my husband. No answer. I call my mother. Of course she answered but I knew what I'd have started at that point. As soon as I utter the words "Baby is still in the car," I swear I think I gave her a heart attack. She was her usual frantic self and I knew she would be all day long. But that's just because she's my mother and that's her grandson locked in there. Another mom pulls up as Tina's husband is checking to see if he can get the doors open. Great. Another witness to my stupidity. I felt like anyone who knew would think "wow, she should have never had kids," or "feel bad for that baby with a mother like that." Ok, I know I'm exaggerating, but that's exactly what I felt!

We called the cops and I explained to them that I had my son locked in the car. They came about ten minutes later. Meanwhile my mother is calling Tina, frantic of course because I locked her grandson in the car. Luckily, as I had mentioned, it was a cool drizzly morning. I waited out next to the car under an umbrella just looking into the car hopelessly. The baby would look back and me and give a good complaining wail. "Waaaahhhhhh!!!" The look on his face clearly said "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE!? GET ME OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!!" Clearly.

So to end my story, I'll let you know that Josh was safe and sound when the policeman unlocked the door. I pulled him out of the car and hugged him and made sure that in those 20 minutes he didn't some how injure himself or cry himself into hysteria. The police officer said- "Oh, I didn't know there was a baby in there." Seriously? Now I know how miscommunications in law enforcement could alter the result of an emergency. What if it were a day like today? It was 80 degrees when I dropped him off.

Now anytime I put Josh in the car, buckle him in and we're ready to go. He screams. The. Whole. Way. There. Do you think I could have traumatized him? The screaming and crying and carrying on didn't start until a couple weeks after that horrifying incident, but maybe I enduced Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder on him!

Mother of the Year

Holy Crap a Women's Show!

My friend just filled me in this weekend that the Cleveland Women's Show is coming up! The funny thing is, it was a guy friend that had the details. :)

I'm so excited! This event just happens to be the same weekend as my sister-in-law's wedding (Sept 11 - 13), but I definitely think I'm going to have to try to go. Nothin like a little hangover and girly stuff after a wild and crazy wedding the night before. The best part about this show (aside from the oodles of beauty, health, and fashion goodies us gals can try) is the Cleveland’s Local 93 Firefighter Fashion Shows.

Seriously, click through that link and tell me that doesn't look fun!! Woooooo! And of course all of the steamy fashion show proceeds go to the Aluminum Cans for Burned Children program that supports Metro's burn unit. Double bonus- hot guys (who just happen to be wearing firefighters' uniforms) AND benefitting the children!

And, if you care, Kate Gosselin will be there to sign autographs. Seriously- for what? I'm a mother, want my autograph?? There will be cooking challenges, fashion shows, and get this- a Spa on Wheels!! How awesome is that!?

I'm so excited for this event. Looks like pre-ordered tickets are a dollar off ($9 total). If you live in the Cleveland area or not too far away, I highly suggest you make the drive. I think it'll be tons of fun!

Wordless Wednesday

These are not my child's chicken nuggets. This is the work of my husband. I think it's funny that he "dresses" each nugget for the main event. haha

Totally "Ticks" Me Off!

You may recall my post "Ten Years Without Sleep." This is the post that summarized my years of weird sleepiness and general lack of well being and yuckiness. Thursday of last week I finally had enough. I was sick of walking into work like a damn zombie everyday. I called and made an appointment and told the office that it was urgent. I got a slew of blood drawn. It seriously looked like a pint if you poured all of those little tubes into one big jug. My doctor is always booked so I saw her nurse practitioner. She's good and just the same as seeing a doctor. This nurse seriously thinks I'm a hypochondriac. I have "medically unexplained" fatigue and all of these cognitive malfunctions. Trouble with my short term memory, difficutly concentrating, unexplained back pains. In my previous post I explained how she thought it was all stress, doing too much, blah blah blah. Now I know what the cause is and my nurse practitioner who thought I was a hypochondriac can shove it.

I have freakin Lyme Disease! EW! My first thought of this is freakin nasty. (Freakin is the word of the day because it's more polite than dropping f-bombs and a great adjective to demonstrate how I feel). You have to be bitten by a damn tick to get this disease. How the F would that happen? I make a ridiculously conscious effort to avoid bugs at all costs. Seriously. I used to be such a tom boy until I realized that bugs can bite you and for this exact freaking reason, I avoided them! Ew. I had a tick on me. And it bit me... ewwwwwwwwwww OMG. I'm so nasty. I can't believe it.

Anyway, the nurse said it looks like my body has been fighting this for quite some time because I have antibodies in my blood. Again, ew. So now I have to go back in for more bloodwork because she thinks there's something else going on too. Ha! I'm not a freakin hypochondriac! See- I knew something was going on! I guess I'm kind of relieved we found something. Is that weird? It's not that I want to be "sick," I'm just glad we have something to treat. I read that most people who undergo the IV antibiotic treatment get relief from their chronic fatigue. Woo hoo!

Yeah, I'm still disgusted that I appear to have been bitten by a freakin tick. EEEEWWWWW! Now do you get the irony of why I joined "Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday?" That's freakin gross! Someone tell me that I'm not a nasty person because I had a freakin tick on me?!?!! Off to the doctor I go for more bloodwork. Oh joy...

Blog Award!

I have just received my first award. Well, not just. It's been a few days. I've been a slacker- sorry! This award was given to me by Krazy Mama Karebare. We're newbies together so I'm very honored that she shared this with me! I want to thank each and every one of you that follow my blog or subscribe to my RSS feed/email. I love all of your feedback. What can I say? I'm a comment whore... :)


The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
Here are my blogs I'd like to share this award with:

The Ramblings of a Crazy Mom

Mommy Maria

Little Mom That Could

One Boomer Mom

Confessions of a First Time Mommy

Juggling Mama

My Take on Mommyhood

Mommy Madness

Latin Mom of 4 Punks

How to Survive in Suburbia

I know that's only 10... I'm tired and I know the hyperlinks in this post also suck... feel free to yell at me..


Thanks Karen! :)