Monday, October 19, 2009

A Mish Mash Mad Mom

Some of you may remember this post, Too Many Hats, back from May. Obviously being a new mom and a twenty five year old recent college grad with a house and a family is tough. I've been going through my own personal stuff right now. The bad part about it is that it's been stuck in my head and I've been trying to figure it out without the support of my best friends, my rocks. My communication skills have been lacking over the past months. So bad that I've pretty much secluded myself by not feeling like talking on the phone, or even get out of the house.

I just feel trapped. I've been trying out how to not feel so trapped. I don't even know why I feel this way. Shutting myself in - no phone calls, no leaving the house - was the complete opposite way to deal with it. Little baby is growing up. He's not as "portable" as he used to be. I used to be able to toss him in the car and go. Let him sleep in the car seat. Not have to worry about him getting into much. That's not the case anymore. As he's gotten more mobile, I found myself becoming less mobile. I'm afraid to go anywhere when I get home from work because he needs to eat. He might be crabby the whole time. He might poop and I'd need to find somewhere to change him. I don't even go to the store because that means I'd have to bring him. I don't want to resent him, but I feel like I don't know how to balance all of this.

I need some bull shit in my life. Just good old fashioned bull shit. The kind of bull shit where I can sit around with my best friends and talk about what happened on Grey's. The kind of bull shit where I can take off the mommy hat for 30 minutes and just be myself. It's overwhelming to feel responsible for someone every single moment of every single day. I guess I've just been having trouble balancing the damanding feeling of motherhood with myself. The person who makes me, me. I feel like I've totally changed and might have had an identity chrisis.
And my blog! Ugh! I feel sooo guilty for not posting every other day like I had been! I just feel so lazy and have such a hard time getting my ideas out of my head. I hate it! I love blogging and I love my readers! I want you to stick around! Please don't let my lack of communication skills impede our bloggy love! ;)

I'm just learning that, as a mother, I will never have alone time ever again. Or at least not for another 18 years... My only alone time is in the car. When I'm driving to and from the sitter's. After that I have to entertain Josh for two hours before the hubby gets home. Then I have to entertain him.

I think I've finally figured it out. I've always been a person who things about the future and not about the now. Even when it comes to my future 45 minutes from now. I'm so busy thinking about everything else I have to do that I can't chill out for five minutes and call my best friend to tell her about the really embarrassing zit I have on my nose. I can't enjoy my son when I get home from work because I'm thinking about all the other work I have to do.

That's no way to live. I'm living in the now--- for the important "now" stuff. Save the future living for the actual future and not 45 minutes into the future.

Has anyone ever felt this way? Mother or not... I think we all deal with "growing up" in different ways. It took me to produce another life for me to actually "grow up." haha. There could be a punch line in there, but I won't embarrass myself.

What do you think? Are you going through this too?


Mommy Cracked said...

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now because what you've written is exactly how I felt for the first 2 or 3 years of my son's life. I love him to pieces, but adjusting to my new role as mother was much tougher than I expected and I didn;t ease into it with as much grace as I thought I should or as I thought every other mother had.

All I can tell you for sure is that it gets easier. Not exactly the most helpful advice right now, but it will, I promise. Blogging certainly helped me. As did being able to go out at least once a month for dinner with my friends. They were such little things, but they sure did help.

If you ever want to talk, I will listen. I've beem's hard.

JosiahsMommy said...

I go through this sometimes too. In phases. It hits me that my life is no longer about just me and I get nostalgic for the life I had before. But then I remember how badly I wanted a baby and I realize that I sometimes suffer from perpetual "grass is greener" syndrome. I kick myself in the butt and try to focus on playing with my son. Watching him learn. I take it a few minutes at a time and remind myself to focus on him because in a few years I'll be missing this time just like I'm missing my "old" life now.

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you're talking about. I think you're grieving because when you become a parent you die to self. It's no longer what you want, it's about what's best for the person you've created who depends on you for everything. A little resentment is natural, but once you look into those precious eyes and realize that their world has just begun, you know the important role you play in making the right choices to be a parent to that little one!

The good thing is that it won't be forever...and some day you'll look back and realize that it was all worth it and you wouldn't change a thing.

Toni Tiger said...

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why we call it the "present"." At least that what my dear Aunt always told me growing up.

Sounds like you are trying to open Christmas presents early girl. Tomorrow isn't a "present" until it is a today. So focus on your present. Try not to peek into tomorrow until it is time.

I was always so stressed when my kids were little, well and even after if the truth be told. But if I could, I would turn back the clock in a heart beat.I was so busy trying to unwrap the future, that I sometimes overlooked the "present" that I already had.

Take the time to breath and actually live in the moment you are in.

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