Some of you may remember this post, Too Many Hats, back from May. Obviously being a new mom and a twenty five year old recent college grad with a house and a family is tough. I've been going through my own personal stuff right now. The bad part about it is that it's been stuck in my head and I've been trying to figure it out without the support of my best friends, my rocks. My communication skills have been lacking over the past months. So bad that I've pretty much secluded myself by not feeling like talking on the phone, or even get out of the house.
I just feel trapped. I've been trying out how to not feel so trapped. I don't even know why I feel this way. Shutting myself in - no phone calls, no leaving the house - was the complete opposite way to deal with it. Little baby is growing up. He's not as "portable" as he used to be. I used to be able to toss him in the car and go. Let him sleep in the car seat. Not have to worry about him getting into much. That's not the case anymore. As he's gotten more mobile, I found myself becoming less mobile. I'm afraid to go anywhere when I get home from work because he needs to eat. He might be crabby the whole time. He might poop and I'd need to find somewhere to change him. I don't even go to the store because that means I'd have to bring him. I don't want to resent him, but I feel like I don't know how to balance all of this.
I need some bull shit in my life. Just good old fashioned bull shit. The kind of bull shit where I can sit around with my best friends and talk about what happened on Grey's. The kind of bull shit where I can take off the mommy hat for 30 minutes and just be myself. It's overwhelming to feel responsible for someone every single moment of every single day. I guess I've just been having trouble balancing the damanding feeling of motherhood with myself. The person who makes me, me. I feel like I've totally changed and might have had an identity chrisis.
And my blog! Ugh! I feel sooo guilty for not posting every other day like I had been! I just feel so lazy and have such a hard time getting my ideas out of my head. I hate it! I love blogging and I love my readers! I want you to stick around! Please don't let my lack of communication skills impede our bloggy love! ;)
I'm just learning that, as a mother, I will never have alone time ever again. Or at least not for another 18 years... My only alone time is in the car. When I'm driving to and from the sitter's. After that I have to entertain Josh for two hours before the hubby gets home. Then I have to entertain him.
I think I've finally figured it out. I've always been a person who things about the future and not about the now. Even when it comes to my future 45 minutes from now. I'm so busy thinking about everything else I have to do that I can't chill out for five minutes and call my best friend to tell her about the really embarrassing zit I have on my nose. I can't enjoy my son when I get home from work because I'm thinking about all the other work I have to do.
That's no way to live. I'm living in the now--- for the important "now" stuff. Save the future living for the actual future and not 45 minutes into the future.
Has anyone ever felt this way? Mother or not... I think we all deal with "growing up" in different ways. It took me to produce another life for me to actually "grow up." haha. There could be a punch line in there, but I won't embarrass myself.
What do you think? Are you going through this too?