Monday, July 26, 2010

The One Where I Just Let it All Out

I've been dealing with a lot lately and have pretty much alienated everyone in my life because of my self-dubbed "bag of shit." I feel I owe my awesome followers some explanation, too, as to why my posts have been so sparse the past few months. And well if you can't tell your blog, who can you tell? So, here goes...

This has all been going on for a while now. Pretty much since my son was born (about 20 months ago). I had been acting like a completely different person with a new "this is who I am and if you don't like it then eff off" attitude. Which is totally not me. I am, and always have been, a people-pleaser. Pressures of motherhood and being an adult mounted so high that I literally collapsed. The first signs that this was about to get ugly were the several weekends in a row that I went out with my friends, left hubby and baby at home, and stayed out till five in the morning. What 26 year old married mother needs to do that more than once in a blue moon?

My husband works hard. He leaves before six in the morning and doesn't get home until 8 at night. Meanwhile, I'm home taking care of the baby, finances, etc. It just got to be so much that I would literally go out and explode on the weekends. I'd escape for those hours before I had to get back to reality.

Then my epiphany came. I woke up one morning and figured it out. I knew I wasn't happy, but just couldn't figure out why. So I did what any woman does, blame the man. Yeah, there were some issues there that needed working out but I soon learned that placing the blame on other people wasn't going to stop my own tragic downfall.

Initially, I thought I was sick of doing what everyone else expected me to do. I have always been the girl that does things the right way and does everything other people think I should do. So, I stopped. I did what I wanted. I made bad choices. I was lying. Lying to everyone I love because I couldn't face the harsh realities and consequences of what I'd done. I knew I was being deceitful. I knew I was acting foolish. I just couldn't accept it enough to tell the people that I love. The people I don't want to disappoint. Well that just got me in deeper. I think I was subconsciously looking for an easy way out of all the responsibility I've created. Now I have this black hole of oblivion and I don't know how I'm going to get out.

First, I started with my family. I have a wonderful husband who has actually stuck through this whole "finding myself" thing. I can't throw that away. He's loving and understanding, and I don't think I could find someone better for me. During this whole ordeal I've been so worried about our families and friends hating me because of the nasty things I said to my husband that came out of anger and ugly emotions.

I feel like I lied to my friends because I just couldn't handle that yet. I couldn't handle everyone in my life despising me. Those lies made it worse. Instead of them being upset with my actions alone, my friends are upset with my lies, my deceit.

Who is this person? How did I become this? I'm a strong, independent, intelligent, motivated woman. How did I start making such terrible decisions? People kept asking me about postpartum depression. I honestly couldn't tell. I have had so much going on that I didn't think it could possibly be just chalked up to postpartum. My husband lost his job right after Josh was born, I finished college, changed jobs, typical financial woes, etc. Reflecting on the grand scheme of things, I really do think it's postpartum depression. There's just no other logical explanation. I've felt like I have this renewed self confidence since I had the baby and devoting many of those feelings to what I've accomplished in the past several years. My unhappiness was blamed on my stressors. The people you love the most are always going to be the ones who stress you the most. It's because you invest so many emotions in them and their happiness.

So, I've taken the first step. I'm seeking help. I have burned some very important bridges and just hope that one day, we can all move past this.I'm making the right decisions now. I'm sorry for my mistakes and I realize the consequences.

5 comments:

savage53 said...

The first step is always the hardest...

And sometimes it takes acting like a child to realize you're ready to be an adult. Some of us might even need reminders every now and again...

But you're taking the first step and that's the beginning to change!

gianna said...

Oh, I have experienced PPD with all 4 of my kid's. Thank you for being so candid! WE need to be more open about our struggles so that people know they aren't alone. You are awesome! I'm glad you are getting help. I remember going to the doctor soon after my first was born and saying, "SOMETHING is WRONG!!!!!" It doesn't matter when you get help as long as you do.

Amy said...

Best of luck on your journey. Life has so many ups and downs, you're back on the way up :)

Mommy Cracked said...

I'm sorry you have had such a tough time. I also experienced a little PPD after the birth of my son and it was tough. I'm glad you have your life back on track and hope you are feeling much better soon.

Shannon said...

Oh honey, I can relate. My son just turned two and I have realized that me and my family come first so we're working on that. Chin up!

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